January 11th 2010

Thank you for the WONDERFUL ADVICE you’ve offered the two single women, whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos! Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to be so generous. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF as she cried, “I CAN’T SEEM TO PLEASE ANYONE–WHAT DO I DO?”Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is what Sophia said.

Just before dawn broke on a Sunday morning in early January, Zoe awoke to the second day of solid snowfall. The last thing she remembered before going to sleep was lying in bed with her laptop on her stomach watching “Nurse Betty.” Sophia was lying next to her engaged in a text war with her soon-to-be-ex Marty. But when Zoe looked to her left, all she saw was her laptop lying where Sophia had been. Sparky, Zoe’s incontinent stoke-victim yellow Lab, was asleep on his pad on the floor, surrounded by sizable turds his bottom had purged involuntarily during the night. Just as every other morning, Zoe knew the moment she stirred, she would have to race Sparky to the back door and get him outside before his bladder let loose in a steady stream all over the floor. Silently she counted “one, two, three…GO.” Zoe grabbed Sparky’s collar and made a mad dash through the kitchen, then pulled open the door and shoved him gently through it.

What Zoe didn’t know was that Sophia was sitting outside the door doing a Buddhist meditation. The train wreck which followed occurred when Sparky tried to go up and over Sophia to relieve himself. He knocked Sophia out of her proper meditation posture, and she lay sideways with her legs still akimbo and her face smashed into the yellowed snow. Because it was not yet light, Zoe didn’t see Sophia, so she tripped over her and landed face down in the white powder, barely missing poor Sparky. Zoe pulled herself into a crouching position and squeezed Sparky’s mid-section, helping the dog express the last of his urine. Throughout, Sophia remained, like a wooden Buddha, lying cross-legged on her side.

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January 8th, 2010

Please keep your WONDERFUL ADVICE flowing for two single women, whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos! Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF IF HER HUSBAND INSISTED UPON SHARING THE MARITAL HOME WITH HER ON THE DAYS HE WASN’T ALLOWED TO SLEEP AT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE? Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

As January slithered into her midst, Sophia stood upstairs in her Exeter, NH house, looking down at her faithful Coleman blow-up bed. She didn’t know how to fully deflate it, but she was sure Zoe could help her when she arrived. To economize, Sophia realized she had to give up the house. She originally rented the empty place after she fled her large 1770s home on Lake Winnipesaukee in early September. At the time, she couldn’t bear being in the space filled with the wrenching associations of her husband Marty’s evolving affair with Fugly, as Sophia called her. At least every day now, she could be just five miles down the road from Zoe’s similar house on the lake. Moreover, she wouldn’t have to worry about Sparky so much. Sparky was Zoe’s stroke-victim dog, which meant he was incapable of climbing stairs and profoundly incontinent. Without warning, he peed and shat everywhere. Sophia’s lake house had no outdoor steps to challenge Sparky.

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Jan 6

Could more of you PL-EASE offer ADVICE to two single women, whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos? Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF after she ACCIDENTLY LEFT ON HER WEBCAM, WHILE HAVING WEBCAM( U-NO) WITH A MATCH.COM DATE AS ANOTHER DATE WATCHED FROM A FEW STATES AWAY? Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

Early on the eve of Christmas Eve, Zoe finished the last of her gift wrapping. She couldn’t deny her mounting excitement about the arrival the next day of her beloved grown children, Meg, Sara, Jamison and Emily. Not only did their visit thrill her, but it would create a comfortable buffer between her soon-to-be ex, George, and the irritation she felt whenever anyone even breathed his name. Zoe’s house was spotless, except for the permanent stains left by her dog Sparky’s incontinence, a condition the poor stoke victim couldn’t avoid. Sparky limped around behind Zoe, casting sweet glances her way, as a large turd involuntarily plopped from his bottom. Satisfied that the house was clean enough, she felt restless and decided to drive five miles down the road to see Sophia.

Zoe fully expected to find Sophia in her usual stance, head down on the dining room table sobbing, with a fire roaring in the fireplace and a laptop with a black screen sitting next to her. After Sophia’s disastrous first Match.com date, even turning on the computer was traumatic, not a promising state for a writer. But to Zoe’s surprise, Sophia was nowhere to be seen. Remnants of Sophia’s dinner of Chex Mix and Nutella chocolate spread were visible, especially the spoon sitting erect in the half-eaten jar–waiting to be tomorrow’s breakfast.

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January 4th
Could you PLEASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?  Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give TO your BFF after she screamed in the face of her FIRST Match.Com date?  Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

A week or so into December the holiday spirit lay dampened like a soggy rag at Sophia’s feet. She dreaded her first Christmas without the traditions she and Marty had cherished with their children, Poppy and Colin. Marty now lived with his girlfriend. On the other hand, Zoe dreaded the “season to be jolly,” because she succumbed to George’s nagging to spend the holiday together, pretending the family wasn’t a smoldering mess of bad feelings since her decision to leave George the January before.
Zoe sniffed as she greeted Sophia on the phone.

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January 2
Could more of YOU PL-EASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos? HELP. Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years,  find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF IF SHE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TRAVELING TO CALIFORNIA or FLORIDA TO MEET A MATCH.COM DATE (in January from New Hampshire, remember). Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

One late afternoon in early December Zoe and her dog Sparky drove through a snowstorm to meet a Match.com date for an early dinner in Portsmouth. Apart from working at her high-powered job as a contracts negotiator in the entertainment field, Zoe spent most of her time driving to meet dates.  As she drove, Zoe wondered whether all this traveling was worth it. The guy she was meeting, Oscar, was a professor at the university, and although he was good on paper, in person he looked and sounded like Mike Tyson with a bulked-up build and a high voice, which was more than off-putting to Zoe.

She decided to call Sophia to see what she was up to later. Zoe hoped like hell Sophia wasn’t sleeping at Sophia’s Exeter house for Sparky’s sake. She wanted to see Sophia, but her dog Sparky couldn’t manage the steps since his stroke, and he involuntarily crapped and peed everywhere—an attribute neither Sophia nor any of Zoe’s Match.com dates embraced fondly. Sophia answered her cell right away.

“Hey, Sophie, whacha doin?”
“Hey, Zo. I’m staring out the window.”
“How long have you been doing that?”
“A couple of hours.”
“What were you doing before you were staring?”
“Driving, Zo. That’s mostly what I do these days, drive and stare.
“Are you doing any writing, Sophie?”
“No. But I did go to the gym this morning and to the tanning bed.”
“What are you getting a tan for, Sophie?’
“I don’t know. I do my Buddhist meditations in the tanning bed, so it doesn’t matter, does it, Zo?”
“Whatever makes you happy, Sophie.”
“Do you think Pema would say it’s okay to meditate in the tanning booth?”
“What the fuck else have you done today, Sophie? You are cracked.”
“I’m going shopping later.”
“You don’t have any money, Sophie.”
“I only buy cheap shit.  No big deal. Whatchu up to?”
“I’m meeting Oscar for dinner,” Zoe said. “Where are you sleeping tonight?”
“Marty’s staying at his girlfriend’s this week, so I’m at the lake house. You wanna sleep over?”
“I do,” said Zoe.

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January 1

Could more of you PL-EASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?HELP. Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF who said to you, “I AND I DON’T NEED A THERAPIST.  WE HAVE GOOD TIMES. ” Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

Every few nights Zoe and Sophia slept at each other’s houses, just to help with the transition– from being goodly wives who rubbed their husband’s backs in bed, brought their husbands dinner on a silver tray, also in bed, and who wrapped their long, lithe limbs around their husband’s bodies at night–to the shimmering fifty-something women who slept alone (more or less). On one evening just before Thanksgiving, Sophia decided to sleep at Zoe’s house, and for the occasion, Sophia bought the first bottle of scotch she had in months. Scotch was the tithe that bound during the first six months after Zoe’s marital split, when she camped out at Sophia’s house while Marty and Sophia were still together. In early June Zoe moved back to her own house, just five miles up the road.  But there was little difference—both women owned marital homes built in the 1700s when Thomas Jefferson walked the earth—and both houses sat on large wooded lots on the same lake.

However–they had one other option. After Sophia put her hands around Marty’s neck one night in September, applying no pressure at all, she begged him for the truth about his affair with his “business partner,” Fugly. For an hour Sophia lay next to him then decided that she was either going to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic outside, or she was going to ask the question she knew the answer to–but dreaded hearing–with all her heart. Her choice of nights was a good one since Marty suffered from really bad diarrhea and lay to her left, rolled into a fetal position.

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December 30^th

Do you have advice to offer two middle-aged, single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?  Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty.  They need advice from anyone willing to offer it.  For instance, what advice would you give your Bff  if she wanted back her copy of the book WHEN THINGS FALL APART by Pema Chodron? Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

When Zoe’s and Sophia’s marriages splintered into matchsticks, the first thing they did, after crying like feral cats, was to become Buddhists.  Zoe’s therapist gave Zoe the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.  Since Zoe’s marriage collapsed a few months before Sophia’s, Zoe had time to read and apply the concepts about living in the moment, accepting herself as she was, trying to replace anger with compassion and so forth.  Zoe kept the book next to her computer at all times and read it in between corresponding with dozens of Match.Com guys who wanted to date her.  Occasionally, she spilled food and drink on the book in a fit of sexual excitement, after particularly graphic exchanges with her growing stable of men, but she was always careful to clean off the book.

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