January 8th, 2010

Please keep your WONDERFUL ADVICE flowing for two single women, whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos! Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF IF HER HUSBAND INSISTED UPON SHARING THE MARITAL HOME WITH HER ON THE DAYS HE WASN’T ALLOWED TO SLEEP AT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE? Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

As January slithered into her midst, Sophia stood upstairs in her Exeter, NH house, looking down at her faithful Coleman blow-up bed. She didn’t know how to fully deflate it, but she was sure Zoe could help her when she arrived. To economize, Sophia realized she had to give up the house. She originally rented the empty place after she fled her large 1770s home on Lake Winnipesaukee in early September. At the time, she couldn’t bear being in the space filled with the wrenching associations of her husband Marty’s evolving affair with Fugly, as Sophia called her. At least every day now, she could be just five miles down the road from Zoe’s similar house on the lake. Moreover, she wouldn’t have to worry about Sparky so much. Sparky was Zoe’s stroke-victim dog, which meant he was incapable of climbing stairs and profoundly incontinent. Without warning, he peed and shat everywhere. Sophia’s lake house had no outdoor steps to challenge Sparky.

Read more…

Jan 6

Could more of you PL-EASE offer ADVICE to two single women, whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos? Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF after she ACCIDENTLY LEFT ON HER WEBCAM, WHILE HAVING WEBCAM( U-NO) WITH A MATCH.COM DATE AS ANOTHER DATE WATCHED FROM A FEW STATES AWAY? Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

Early on the eve of Christmas Eve, Zoe finished the last of her gift wrapping. She couldn’t deny her mounting excitement about the arrival the next day of her beloved grown children, Meg, Sara, Jamison and Emily. Not only did their visit thrill her, but it would create a comfortable buffer between her soon-to-be ex, George, and the irritation she felt whenever anyone even breathed his name. Zoe’s house was spotless, except for the permanent stains left by her dog Sparky’s incontinence, a condition the poor stoke victim couldn’t avoid. Sparky limped around behind Zoe, casting sweet glances her way, as a large turd involuntarily plopped from his bottom. Satisfied that the house was clean enough, she felt restless and decided to drive five miles down the road to see Sophia.

Zoe fully expected to find Sophia in her usual stance, head down on the dining room table sobbing, with a fire roaring in the fireplace and a laptop with a black screen sitting next to her. After Sophia’s disastrous first Match.com date, even turning on the computer was traumatic, not a promising state for a writer. But to Zoe’s surprise, Sophia was nowhere to be seen. Remnants of Sophia’s dinner of Chex Mix and Nutella chocolate spread were visible, especially the spoon sitting erect in the half-eaten jar–waiting to be tomorrow’s breakfast.

Read more…

January 4th
Could you PLEASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?  Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give TO your BFF after she screamed in the face of her FIRST Match.Com date?  Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

A week or so into December the holiday spirit lay dampened like a soggy rag at Sophia’s feet. She dreaded her first Christmas without the traditions she and Marty had cherished with their children, Poppy and Colin. Marty now lived with his girlfriend. On the other hand, Zoe dreaded the “season to be jolly,” because she succumbed to George’s nagging to spend the holiday together, pretending the family wasn’t a smoldering mess of bad feelings since her decision to leave George the January before.
Zoe sniffed as she greeted Sophia on the phone.

Read more…

January 2
Could more of YOU PL-EASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos? HELP. Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years,  find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF IF SHE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TRAVELING TO CALIFORNIA or FLORIDA TO MEET A MATCH.COM DATE (in January from New Hampshire, remember). Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

One late afternoon in early December Zoe and her dog Sparky drove through a snowstorm to meet a Match.com date for an early dinner in Portsmouth. Apart from working at her high-powered job as a contracts negotiator in the entertainment field, Zoe spent most of her time driving to meet dates.  As she drove, Zoe wondered whether all this traveling was worth it. The guy she was meeting, Oscar, was a professor at the university, and although he was good on paper, in person he looked and sounded like Mike Tyson with a bulked-up build and a high voice, which was more than off-putting to Zoe.

She decided to call Sophia to see what she was up to later. Zoe hoped like hell Sophia wasn’t sleeping at Sophia’s Exeter house for Sparky’s sake. She wanted to see Sophia, but her dog Sparky couldn’t manage the steps since his stroke, and he involuntarily crapped and peed everywhere—an attribute neither Sophia nor any of Zoe’s Match.com dates embraced fondly. Sophia answered her cell right away.

“Hey, Sophie, whacha doin?”
“Hey, Zo. I’m staring out the window.”
“How long have you been doing that?”
“A couple of hours.”
“What were you doing before you were staring?”
“Driving, Zo. That’s mostly what I do these days, drive and stare.
“Are you doing any writing, Sophie?”
“No. But I did go to the gym this morning and to the tanning bed.”
“What are you getting a tan for, Sophie?’
“I don’t know. I do my Buddhist meditations in the tanning bed, so it doesn’t matter, does it, Zo?”
“Whatever makes you happy, Sophie.”
“Do you think Pema would say it’s okay to meditate in the tanning booth?”
“What the fuck else have you done today, Sophie? You are cracked.”
“I’m going shopping later.”
“You don’t have any money, Sophie.”
“I only buy cheap shit.  No big deal. Whatchu up to?”
“I’m meeting Oscar for dinner,” Zoe said. “Where are you sleeping tonight?”
“Marty’s staying at his girlfriend’s this week, so I’m at the lake house. You wanna sleep over?”
“I do,” said Zoe.

Read more…

January 1

Could more of you PL-EASE offer advice to two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?HELP. Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF who said to you, “I AND I DON’T NEED A THERAPIST.  WE HAVE GOOD TIMES. ” Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

Every few nights Zoe and Sophia slept at each other’s houses, just to help with the transition– from being goodly wives who rubbed their husband’s backs in bed, brought their husbands dinner on a silver tray, also in bed, and who wrapped their long, lithe limbs around their husband’s bodies at night–to the shimmering fifty-something women who slept alone (more or less). On one evening just before Thanksgiving, Sophia decided to sleep at Zoe’s house, and for the occasion, Sophia bought the first bottle of scotch she had in months. Scotch was the tithe that bound during the first six months after Zoe’s marital split, when she camped out at Sophia’s house while Marty and Sophia were still together. In early June Zoe moved back to her own house, just five miles up the road.  But there was little difference—both women owned marital homes built in the 1700s when Thomas Jefferson walked the earth—and both houses sat on large wooded lots on the same lake.

However–they had one other option. After Sophia put her hands around Marty’s neck one night in September, applying no pressure at all, she begged him for the truth about his affair with his “business partner,” Fugly. For an hour Sophia lay next to him then decided that she was either going to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic outside, or she was going to ask the question she knew the answer to–but dreaded hearing–with all her heart. Her choice of nights was a good one since Marty suffered from really bad diarrhea and lay to her left, rolled into a fetal position.

Read more…

December 30^th

Do you have advice to offer two middle-aged, single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos?  Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years, find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty.  They need advice from anyone willing to offer it.  For instance, what advice would you give your Bff  if she wanted back her copy of the book WHEN THINGS FALL APART by Pema Chodron? Any advice you can give to Zoe would be helpful, but this is the advice Sophia gave her.

When Zoe’s and Sophia’s marriages splintered into matchsticks, the first thing they did, after crying like feral cats, was to become Buddhists.  Zoe’s therapist gave Zoe the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.  Since Zoe’s marriage collapsed a few months before Sophia’s, Zoe had time to read and apply the concepts about living in the moment, accepting herself as she was, trying to replace anger with compassion and so forth.  Zoe kept the book next to her computer at all times and read it in between corresponding with dozens of Match.Com guys who wanted to date her.  Occasionally, she spilled food and drink on the book in a fit of sexual excitement, after particularly graphic exchanges with her growing stable of men, but she was always careful to clean off the book.

Read more…

December 29th
Do you have advice to offer two single women whose lives are suddenly crashing in chaos? Zoe and Sophia, BFFs for thirty years,  find themselves unexpectedly cast into the world of re-creation and redefinition after decades of being faithful wives to George and Marty. They need advice from anyone willing to offer it. For instance, what advice would you give your BFF if her NOSE WAS A CRUSTY, RED MESS FROM CRYING SO MUCH? Any advice you can give to Sophia would be helpful, but this is the advice Zoe gave her.

Zoe squinted and craned her neck as she looked at Sophia.  Sophia’s sad eyes gazed back at her. Finally, Zoe said, “What’s wrong?”
Sophia sobbed, “I just hurt inside, and I’m so angry at Marty for betraying me.”
Zoe stood back examining Sophia before saying, “I meant–what’s wrong with your nose? Do something with it. You have to look fabulous in an hour for tonight’s party in Boston-the one at the recording studio–remember?”
“Oh, fuck, we need to get ready,”  said Sophia, lured momentarily from her misery.

Zoe and Sophia attracted a lot of attention when they went places together. They spawned an alluring confidence and sensual energy. Somehow, they’d managed to retain (or regain after appalling marriages to their cheating, pathetic, deadbeat not-quite-ex-husbands) slender figures, good breasts, blond hair, smooth skin, firm legs, and fairly flat tummies. Fortunately for them, they were born with pretty eyes. They actually did look at least ten years younger than their ages. More importantly, they had tucked in their incredible brains and hearts years of nurturing others, loving well, making love well, raising amazing children and earning good money. Okay, let’s face it–men told them they were hot–but that expression was just a little too crass for their tastes.

“I’ll shower first,” said Zoe, as Sophia began to cry once again.  After a few minutes she called out to Sophia that the shower was free.  Zoe toweled off as Sophia stripped off her clothes and took a very short shower.   Soon they were ready to begin their transformations together.

Read more…